Virtue Quest » Daily Inventory

Slow and steady wins the race

Robert — Wed, 27 Oct 2010 18:58:04 +0000

Just keep walking, just keep walking...

I get overwhelmed pretty easily. Sometimes, just looking at the pile of dishes in my sink exhausts me. Other times I’m more ambitious: I figure I can conquer the world but I worry if I’ll make it outside the little pond of our solar system. But the fact is, whenever I face a new task – or a new start on an ongoing task – there’s a part of me that asks, “Can I really do that?”

For example, I’ve mentioned that I’m working on a book about my grandmother’s life. Until the last couple weeks, I’ve been stuck on the magnitude of the project. I talked to one of my uncles about my problems, and he suggested a couple ways to break the project down into smaller pieces, each of which is do-able in an hour or two.

Well, duh! says I. I know how to do that. I just don’t want to.

Why not? Because there’s another part of me, call it the grandiose egotist side, that doesn’t want to do anything that isn’t instantly apparent as brilliant and perfect. Plugging along at little tasks just doesn’t have the same feel as finishing a book, or even a chapter.

Reality check

It’s at this point that I need to pull myself back down to earth. Both my despair of finishing a job and my desire for the feeling of accomplishment are unwarranted. What is true is that every task has some pleasant and some unpleasant aspects to it. That’s just the nature of reality, and it does no good to focus only on the difficult aspects while ignoring the easy or exciting aspects – or vice versa.

Rather, I need to focus on what is directly in front of me: what is here and now. So, for my grandma’s book, I have some research to do and some notes to take today. If I spend my time worrying about how many interviews I still need to conduct, or on the other hand daydreaming about how high it will reach on the New York Times bestseller list, then I will create my own failure.

If instead I do a couple hours of work, and spend five minutes at the end reviewing what I’ve done, then I will see the progress I have made. It may be small progress, but it shows me where I am in the big picture of the job. Moreover, it allows me to know exactly where to pick up again tomorrow.

Life application

Now, the example of working on my grandmother’s book is an application of the virtue of prudence, with a little temperance thrown in for good measure. And even though it’s a book – a book! – it’s still a fairly small and focused task.

The life of virtue is a call to apply virtue to every aspect of my life. I need to be prudent, not just about writing a memoir, but also about cleaning my kitchen and relating to my friends and voting in the election and my attitude toward strangers and…. I need to do this for the next 50 years or however long I happen to hang out on this earth. Zoiks! I really can’t deal with a task that big!

And yet, a life is composed of days, and a day is composed of hours. Every moment is an opportunity to practice some small virtue. Every day is a chance to live life fully – meaning to fully live, though not to live an entire life.

I used to write up a daily inventory on this blog. I stopped that because I was self-censoring, leaving out the parts of my life I didn’t particularly want to publicize. So now I’m keeping the inventory in a journal. This is an old practice. The Jesuits have a form of it called the Examen. Twelve-step programs call it the Tenth Step. The reason behind keeping an inventory is to learn to recognize what is really going on in any given day. It is like reviewing my work at the end of a task: it gives a reality check and shows me where I am in the bigger picture.

Slowly but surely, I’m beginning to see my life – my desires, my relationships, my work – more clearly. Slowly but surely, I’m making progress in virtue, and part of that progress is recognizing my small steps forward as genuine progress.

Some updates

Robert — Fri, 19 Mar 2010 20:16:09 +0000

Not having done my daily inventory for about a week, I feel inexplicably obligated to report some news items that I would normally have published in that column.

First, I finished reading The Sources of Christian Ethics. To those who are sick of me drooling all over its magnificent wisdom, you may sigh in relief. I won’t comment on it again for some time. Except to say that it’s got me re-starting my ebook from scratch.

On the other hand, I haven’t quite decided what virtue book I’ll read next. I have unintentionally fallen into the habit of reading only one book at a time, and I’m rather enjoying the increased retention and the speed of getting through a given text that come from such a focus. I think probably Plato’s Republic will be next. But before I dive headlong into that, I’m skimming over Jared Diamond’s Collapse.

Diamond is better known for Guns, Germs, and Steel. He’s a geographer by profession, but he writes in the personal confessional style that has become so popular these days. Anyway, Collapse focuses on the environmental causes of societal failure. I’m rather pessimistic about the institutional future of the U.S. and of so-called Western Culture and the Global Economy, so I’m curious to see what he has to say about it all.

Anyway, I’m open to suggestions for my next reading. Any topics of burning interest you want me to write about?

Second, I’ve resolved my casino concerns. I won’t be going to dealer school and I won’t be putting myself through unnecessary moral ambiguity.

The comments on the blog came out in favor of dealing, but the fact is every argument in favor finally showed itself as an excuse hiding behind the mask of practicality. My main motivations were fear and impatience, not really a desire to deal or a sense of calling.

The two moments which sealed my decision were:

When I spoke to the instructors at the dealer school, and they told me that there was no option to “cut someone off” from further gambling, as a bartender might cut someone off from further drinking if that person was intoxicated
When I floated the idea for my mother and she gasped, then managed to ask, “Why would you want to do something like that?” I’m firmly of the school that one of a son’s main duties is to avoid making his mother cry

But the fact is that I’m financially able to keep plugging away at the job search for at least another three or four months, and there are plenty of good prospects out there.

Even so, my dream is to make a living as a writer. And I’m frustrated at how much time and energy that I could spend on writing is going into job hunting. So, I’m resisting also the temptation to snuggle into a corner of comfortable dependence on family and be an artiste. I only need to sell that first bestseller, and I’ll have it made, right?

Or, I could actually do the work of being productive in ways other than those dictated by daydreams. While working to make my dreams – day and otherwise – come true. So I’m a wee tad bit torn.

Third, as if I didn’t have enough plates spinning, I’m thinking of adding a kind of series to the blog. Tentative title: “Letters to our Leaders.” Here’s my reasoning: the most direct political influence I can have, apart from actually running for office, is to engage my elected officials in conversation. I can inform them of my concerns, of my hopes for government, and I can describe my reasons for thinking as I do. Maybe, if they write back, I can gain insight into their reasons and concerns.

Meanwhile, if I publish my letters on this blog, other people can use my letters as models for their own, or can tell me why they disagree, or even write other letters that argue against my letters.

I’m motivated pretty strongly by the current health care legislative tornado, but I’m thinking that it’s important to build up a consistent repartee with elected officials, and to address local problems as well as national and/or international issues.

What think you? Would you be interested in reading and/or discussing this sort of thing? Would you find it useful? Do you think I’m just hopelessly naive?

Daily inventory – 8 and 9 March

Robert — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 19:16:56 +0000

Yesterday was not so much overly busy as just plain draining. So I didn’t get to the computer much at all. It’s actually kind of a relief not to be on line. The feel of a book is just plain more satisfying than the feel of a keyboard; and there’s something sort of compulsive, for me, anyway, about staring at a screen. I have similar problems with the telly.

Anyway, here’s a rough, not very complete list:

8 March:

Don’t remember exactly when I woke, but it must’ve been around 8
Morning prayer
Worked an 8-hr shift
Made some major revisions to the outline of my novel
Renewed some library books
I’m sure I did other things on Monday, but my memory’s a bit blurry at present; don’t even remember just what time I got to bed!

9 March

Woke around 8, with my alarm
Had a doctor’s appointment in the morning
Mom and I picked up my brother at the airport; had lunch together, then Mom went back to work and I took my brother home
Went to the library to pick up some new books
Pretty much just hung out with my brother most of the evening: some shopping, played some cribbage, chatted, and so on
Actually watched “Lost” more or less at its scheduled time, for once
Bed around 11

Daily inventory – 7 March

Robert — Mon, 08 Mar 2010 20:11:09 +0000

Quick note about today: I know much of the U.S. has suffered from interminable blizzarding, but here in the balmy Pacific Northwest, the weather has hardly dared dip below 40F. Till today. Indeed, even as I speak, it snoweth! God be praised! It snoweth!

Yes, I know it has nothing whatsoever to do with virtue – except the virtue of joy!

Right. Onto the list:

Woke without my alarm because I’d left my phone (AKA, my alarm clock) upstairs. Still, it was 8:05, so I was basically on schedule
Morning prayer, and mass, but no evening prayer
Helped my mom out a bit, since she was totally wiped out from a long day on Saturday
Worked a 5-hr shift
Realized en route to work that I’d left my wallet at home; continued driving anyway with flagrant disregard for my criminal status
Had dinner and a movie (the new “Alice”) with some good friends
Home around 11pm; asleep by midnight

Daily inventory – 6 March

Robert — Sun, 07 Mar 2010 22:34:09 +0000

Back to ye olde daily grind! What could be better?

Woke with my alarm at 8am
Paid some bills
Some reading, some writing – including a post for this blog!
Prayed in the morning, but not in the evening
Neglected to call a friend when I told her I would
Went to work for about six hours
Cooked dinner for my mom
Some planning for next week, while Dad’s away and Brother’s in town
Got to bed early, about 10pm

Daily inventory – March 5

Robert — Sun, 07 Mar 2010 00:00:28 +0000

Feeling better now, I’m glad to report! But my dad headed off this morning to help my aunt and uncle deal with some health issues, so I get to help my mom take care of the house. And next week, my brother is coming into town just to hang out with us. So I hope to post a few times next week, but please forgive me if I’m a little slack!

Anyway, here’s yesterday, as best I remember it:

Woke up on time for the first time in three days
Normal Friday conversation with a friend on the east coast
A little reading
Sorted out some details about Dad’s trip with him and Mom
Worked an 8-hr shift
Turned in another job application; had a fun little banter with the manager
Watched a little telly (finally saw the new episode of “Lost”)
Scribbled some notes for a new take on an old story idea
Posted a couple final notes to the Catholic Writer’s Conference
I don’t remember if I spent any time in prayer – mea culpa!
Got to bed a little after ten

Daily inventory – 28 February

Robert — Mon, 01 Mar 2010 17:32:54 +0000

Woke up early – about 6:30, I think; then returned to bed till after 9
Scrambled to get to mass on time – I arrived during the opening prayer
At work for 5 hours
Some commenting over on the Catholic Writer’s Conference forums
Wrote a post for this blog
Dinner and conversation with some good friends
Some time web surfing before bed – about an hour or so
Prayed while driving, but said neither morning nor evening prayer
Bed around 11-ish

Daily Inventory – 26 & 27 February

Robert — Mon, 01 Mar 2010 00:04:15 +0000

Yesterday was, well, a bit nuts. So I’ll catch you up on the past couple days:

February 26:

Woke up about 8am
Prayed in the morning, not in the evening
Had a phone conversation with a good friend on the east coast
A little re-writing on the novel
Worked about 8 hours
Came home to a poker party, at which I won more than I lost
Got to bed around 1:30am

February 27:

Woke up about 8:45
Phone call with another good friend
Worked for about 7 hours
Phone call with yet another good friend
Phone call with a fourth good friend – thank God for good friends!
Watched some telly (“House” I think)
Prayed in the evening, not in the morning
Posted my submissions to the Catholic Writer’s Conference Online
Got to bed around 10pm

Daily Inventory – 25 February

Robert — Fri, 26 Feb 2010 19:11:52 +0000

Bit of a crazy morning this morning, but here’s yesterday:

Woke up early, about 6:30, had breakfast, then back to bed till my alarm went off
Didn’t pray in the morning, but did pray in the evening
Worked about 8 hours
Rewrote a passage for the critique group
Wrote a post for Coalition for Clarity
Did a little job searching
Helped clean the house for tonight’s poker party
Watched some telly (“Burn Notice” – go Fiona!)
Finished reading a bad translation of Tao Te Ching – working on a post about that
Got to bed around 11

Daily inventory: 24 February

Robert — Thu, 25 Feb 2010 17:38:53 +0000

One of the results of not playing computer games is that I don’t use my computer much at night. So, I haven’t been on the computer to write up my daily inventory before I go to bed.

The daily inventory gives me a reality check, though. It’s a way of seeing my behavior more clearly. But because it’s a good thing to not be on the computer late at night, I’m going to try doing the inventory in the morning instead. So, here’s what yesterday looked like:

Woke up about 8am with my alarm
Didn’t pray
Had the day off from work, but had a job interview
Took a nap after the job interview – I’d been out late at a movie (“Shutter Island”) the night before
Did some job searching
Printed out the first six chapters of my novel; I’m submitting a couple passages to an online critique forum later this week, so I’m doing a quick re-write
Wrote a post for this blog
Watched a little telly (latest episode of “Lost”)
Had dinner with some friends
Some reading
Went to bed around 10:30