Time to get up
I’d been having a pretty good month, till about the middle of this past week. I’ve been waking up on time, getting work done, keeping in touch with friends, praying regularly, and so on … but little things slowly began to slip. So, I haven’t really made my bed since Wednesday. I came in late to work a couple days this week – only a couple minutes late, but definitely late. And these past couple days off, I’ve spent more time watching telly and playing computer games than reading or writing, which is what I had planned to do.
The demon despair
Now, my tendency when I find myself slipping into bad habits is just to give up the fight.
That’s because I’m (first) lazy and (second) a coward and (third) prone to depression. Big whoop. I know plenty of people who can identify with those vices, and I know I’m not alone. But that doesn’t make it okay.
So, the question is, what to do about it. How can I overcome the temptation to despair?
I think the first step is to recognize that this isn’t just a minor foible. This is self-destructive behavior in a very literal sense. Despair is just a non-committal form of suicide, and I need to recognize it as a real and present attack on my life and happiness.
Doesn’t matter that the attack comes from within. I need to recognize it as a threat, or else I won’t meet it with the right attitude.
The monk’s solution
I heard a story once about a guy who walked past a monastery every day, always longing to be like the monks inside but thinking he wasn’t holy enough. One day, he met a monk who was sweeping the sidewalk. He asked the monk what he did in the monastery.
The monk said, “We fall down, then get back up. We fall down, then get back up.”
I always thought of that as a smarmy way of saying, “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.” But I’m starting to take it a little more literally: think of a boxing match. If you get knocked down, you stand back up. You struggle to your feet by whatever means necessary. If you don’t the fight is over. You’ve lost.
I’ve read enough works by mystics to know that “spiritual warfare” is not just a metaphor for them. I think it can’t just be a metaphor for me, either.
A declaration of war
Therefore I’m declaring war on my vices. I may not win, but my plan is, like Galadriel, to “fight the long defeat.” Or like Rocky, to “go the distance.”
After all, virtue is not about perfection. It is about excellence. It is about settling for nothing less than one’s best.
I’ve been struggling with despair, too. Maybe it’s the time of year?
It totally doesn’t help that Tom has been gone this week.
The thought that’s been going through my head recently is the one etched into stone over Palmer Hall at CC: “Ye Shall Know the Truth, And It Shall Set You Free”. It turns out it does. However, they ran out of room at the bottom for this footnote: And then it will depress the heck out of you.
Maybe I can comment on one issue- making the bed. My mom grew up in a part of Mexico where scorpions are known to climb up into beds. She vividly recalls the day she woke up to find a scorpion by her feet. She is so afraid of them that she insisted we make our beds every single day to make sure scorpions did not nest in there. Since then, I cannot help but make my bed every single day- even if it isn’t perfect- no matter how lazy or depressed I feel- just shake it out and put the covers on. It’s crazy. I know. But now I realize that what matters is not when or how I do it, but that I do it. On those days (there were many when I was younger) when all I wanted was for the world to disappear and for me to be left alone in despair, making my bed was one of the small things I could do to feel safe and more composed. I might be in midst of a horrendous depression, but golly those scorpions weren’t going to get me, and my bed was going to be made. Sorry I can’t be of more help!