An article – really more of an advertisement – on Psychology Today’s blog makes a great recommendation:
Why not commit to making love your New Year’s Resolution?
Of course, their idea of “love” is saying “I love you” to your spouse at least once a day. That’s hardly a bad thing but, as we all know, actions speak much louder than words.
All love is a gift
More than a feeling
Almost everyone I’ve ever talked to about love starts by remarking that love is an action, not a feeling. I mostly agree, but I think it’s important to remember that love is intimately involved with feelings. At the very least, it’s much easier to take the actions of love when one feels the affections of love.
But love is not merely a result of our feelings; it can also be a cause of our feelings. I’ve noticed that, when I interact with … how do I put this gently? … people to whom I have little immediate attraction, I have to consciously decide to act lovingly toward them. No surprise there; I suspect most of us do. But, as so many advocates of volunteering point out, I find I often receive more than I give when I choose to give love in difficult situations.
The greatest gift I receive is insight into what is good, what is lovable, in this person – the person I at first had little or no inclination to love.
In other words, by acting from love, I begin to feel affection. There’s no real dichotomy between acts of love and feelings of love; ideally, they reinforce one another.
Love and charity and sexy sexy sex
What I just said above sounds very noble and “Christian.” And, in many ways, it is. But another false dichotomy is between this “charitable” love and what I’ll call “romantic” or “erotic” love. You know, LUV! Valentine’s Day love. “C’mon over here, baby!” love.
Do these really have anything in common?
Josef Pieper, whose book Faith, Hope, Love I’ve just finished reading, suggests that there are two things that all forms of love (including charity, erotic love, friendship, and so on) all have in common: First, affirmation; and second, union.
Affirmation means seeing, acknowledging, delighting in, and making known the beloved’s good. So, if you love chocolate, you delight in its flavor. If you love your spouse, you delight in his or her personality and body – and, moreover, you delight to remind him or her of your joy.
Union means participating in that goodness that you affirm. Again, if you love chocolate, then you unite that chocolate to your taste buds. And if you love your spouse, you make yourself a part – a participant – of his or her whole life. You also try to contribute to his or her good: you help when needed, you provide support and even advantage wherever possible.
Essentially, the “charitable” act of doing good for someone – friend or stranger or lover – opens up new possibilities for affirmation. And affirming the good in another provides opportunities to unite yourself to them.
Resolving to love in the new year
So, as I said, the Psychology Today advice is not bad: saying “I love you” every day is an act of affirmation. But it’s not just for one’s spouse, and it’s not just for words.
To really be more loving, all I need to do is remember to look for the good – either good that’s there, or good that I can bring about – in every person, every situation I encounter. I have some friends who put a note on their refrigerator reading, “Treat Theo [their 3-year old son] kindly”. The reminder might be that simple: a note on the mirror or the hand, saying, “Treat others with love today.”
Look for the good. Act on it.
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