Vita breve, ars longa
I’ll admit it: I like my instant gratification to be both instant and gratifying.
It’s tough for me to recognize good things at much of a distance. And I’m often blind to the good in the things that are right in front of my face. Heaven and religion is a great example of my struggle with the virtue of hope.
Lacking the virtue of hope
When I was a kid, I didn’t think much about heaven. I considered it “pie in the sky” and figured I could always worry about it later. And, at the same time, I looked at religion (I was raised Roman Catholic) as a bunch of useless words and gestures that often involved men wearing dresses.
In high school, I took a turn as an atheist for a couple years. I started out by searching for “truth”, but eventually said that I was looking for “meaning” or “purpose” in life. Now that I’ve returned to the religion of my youth, I think a more proper word is hope.
The irony is that I’ve found hope in exactly the place that I could not find it as a child, in God, in Jesus and his Church.
This doesn’t mean I like everything about the Catholic Church. I find some parts of the Mass to be boring, and I find some priests to be embarrassments, and I find some devotions or aspects of spirituality to be silly.
But I’ve come to see that they all are directed toward the ultimate object of hope: union with God, aka, heaven. And I understand this clearly in my mind, even if my heart or my gut don’t like it or don’t get it.
I have two major obstacles to hope: I don’t recognize something as good, or I’m impatient and unwilling to work for something in the future. Both these obstacles show up in spades with regard to hoping for perfect union with God.
Is heaven really good?
I long ago dropped the childish notion of heaven as a kind of eternal amusement park or (worse) lounging endlessly in a toga on a cloud practicing the harp. But even the profound mystical descriptions of heaven: gazing on the face of God, intimate communion in Love, the glorification of my mortal body… all of these, well, kind of leave me cold.
I mentioned in another post that great hopes are built upon smaller hopes. It’s hard to hope for success in a career if one has no experience of success from a game or a musical instrument. And I think this is part of my problem: I tend to be hyper-critical of everything. Go ahead, ask my friends: I can find fault in a sunset or a view of the mountains.
So I’ve been practicing by reminding myself of how good things are around me: how delicious is this food, or how delightful is the time I spend with that friend, or how satisfying it is to get that bass lick down just so. I remind myself of these good things whenever I’m tempted to say that life just sucks and nothing is worth anything.
And I try connect those small feelings in my gut or my heart with the knowledge in my head that God is the ultimate source of all these undeniably good things. It’s an uphill battle, but (as with all virtue) it’s getting a little bit easier as I keep on practicing.
Why can’t I have it right now?
The dieter’s slogan, “A moment on the lips, forever on the hips!” strikes very close to home here. Ice cream and bacon are my particular weaknesses in the realm of gluttony. And overwhelming emotion – usually anger or sadness – is the fix I seek in the realm of “meaning” or “purpose.”
But the union with God that hope truly seeks, like the health of the dieter, means refusing to indulge in emotional fixes. It means overcoming my desire to feel … not so much to feel “good” as to feel intensely or “importantly.” Instead, I have to recognize that the true good, the true importance, is found in God rather than in the feelings I’m seeking.
By indulging myself now, I’m actually moving away from the source of what is good and important.
So, to practice hope, again I remind myself of how false and unnecessary these immediate pleasures are. And then, as soon as possible, I focus my attention on some good activity (like listening to my friend, or cleaning my room, or praying) that really will bring me more fully into union with God.
As I said, I’m definitely rowing upstream here. I fail far more often than I succeed. But I think I have an glimpse of what success looks like.
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